Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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