Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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