The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
