I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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