im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
