oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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