I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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