you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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