My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
