Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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