i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
