so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
