I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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