god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My vagina is officially offended.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
