The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
