Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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