So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
