The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
