My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
