Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
