Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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