i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just gargled with NyQuil
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
