The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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