I just threw up on my dentist
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
