i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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