I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
