What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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