Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
