On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
