Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
