I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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