Pregnant stripper...not hot.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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