if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
3pm strippers are depressing
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Send help, water and tortillas.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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