She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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