I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
