Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
