I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
