I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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