Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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