Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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