tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
