When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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