I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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