just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
