Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
