You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
