Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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