i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
