If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
COCAINE IS GR8
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
