that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
