I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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