wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My balls are so social today.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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