just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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