Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
