Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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