I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Even my vagina gasped.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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