I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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