Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
