Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
