my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
