but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I am midnight drunk by noon
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I don't deserve a penis
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
