Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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